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A look at the human ear and all of its shortcomings

Opinion

Written by Larry McGee

Wednesday, 10 February 2010 08:00

The human ear is an ugly appendage. I use the word “ear” to refer solely to the sound-catching appendage attached to each side of the head, more or less on a line with the eyes.

Now I realize there are important functions to the ear. The middle and inner are the more important ears, but I am not qualified to comment on any ear but the outer, and that only from casual observation. I have casually observed a great many ears, my own among them.

My preoccupation with the ear has to do with the fact that I have upcoming surgery on one of my ears. No, they aren’t making them any smaller or more attractive. The surgeon is removing from the inside of my ear a skin cancer.

I have had many skin cancers removed from various positions on my face and ears many times before; but, never one from the inside of my outer ear. How in the world could sun reach, repeatedly, the inside of my ear? I don’t recall falling asleep on the beach with my right ear exposed to the sun.

How the doctor will close the incision is beyond my imagination. Quite frankly, I don’t even want to think about it. Now, I am not a vain person. The number of scars on my face and ears does not bother me; but, if part of my ear will be removed, hopefully he will match it by taking a piece off my good ear. After all, ears should match.

Without wanting to be in any way disrespectful to the creator of ears, I would like to say that it seems to me the appearance of ears might have been improved on considerably if more thought had been given to their design in the beginning. Even an oyster shell, to use just one example, would serve more or less the same purpose as the outer ear and, at the same time, be better looking.

There are few body parts that are less attractive than the ear. You don’t hear someone saying of a Miss America contestant, for example, “Doesn’t she have pretty ears?” or “Man! Get a load of that pair of ears!”

Because ears are so devoid of beauty, it seems strange that women attract attention to them by punching holes in their lobes and hanging ornaments from them. As a result of the ears’ appearance, a person’s hair is often arranged to at least partially conceal them. Women are lucky in this matter since they can conceal an ugly pair rather easily.
One of the reasons haircuts are so expensive is because of where the ears are placed. If it weren’t for the necessity of having a barber avoid running into a customer’s ears with his shears, haircuts might easily cost half of what they do. For a barber, ears are like two bushes on the front lawn when you’re mowing the grass.

It has long been thought that the ears were placed where they are on a person’s head so that the person could hear a noise on either side or from the front, but this, of course, ignores the fact that it is often important to hear a noise from behind; something our ears are not designed to do.

Cats and dogs have ears nearly on top of their heads like antennas. They are able to rotate those ears as well. We all know their hearing is much more acute than ours. This is but one of many shortcomings of the design and placement of the ear. Of course, if our ears were on top of our heads, how would we wear our glasses?

Ears were poorly placed in relationship to our necessity to wear clothing as well. We have all experienced the sensation of having our ears caught in the hole at the top of a sweater where our head goes through. The head itself can be forced through even a quite small aperture, but the ears invariably get caught.

In the winter, ears are the first things to freeze on people who are outside on a cold day. Most people are reluctant to wear earmuffs because they look so ridiculous, and stocking caps mess the hair up.

Some people have been blessed with petite ears; others of us are not as blessed. I suppose those of us who have been called Dumbo as youngsters are the only ones who are really concerned by the size of our ears. And those of us whose ears attract the burning rays of the sun.

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